Darla on Lovelyish

Thursday, 26 January 2012

I have a hard time understanding discrimination and hate. I don't believe I am ignorant or niave, but I just don't understand how so many people can have so much hate, how so many people can be so predisposed to believe the worst in people. The hardest thing for me to understand is my own family's aversion to anyone different. Still they are my family so I try my best to respect their opinions no matter how misguided the opinion may be.My problem is quickly becoming, however, that I am not recieving the same respect. Drama is mounting back home between the members of my family, however, noone has the guts to tell me these things to my face. I'm left with a decision to make. I can just ignore it all, leaving them to fight it out for themselves, or I can stand up for what I believe is right. My family may not be happy with my choice, but it is my choice to make. If I'm happy and being treated well, isn't that all that should matter? I don't love you for or dispite your physical apperances. I love you because you are you, there is no one else like you. Without you I would be lost. You truly are my best friend and the most amazing person I have ever met. Why can't anyone else see it too?

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Focused. Driven. Motivated. That use to be me. I wanted to conquer the world and I wanted to do it to perfection. As a freshman in college, the plan was to graduate in 3 years. I wanted to take what everyone was doing and do it better. Then I decided that one degree was not enough. I wanted two degrees and I wanted to complete them in 4 years. I came damn near close to doing it as well, but in a blink if an eye my whole world was turned upside down. Still I wanted to fight on, it was just a temporary setback. Then it became one setback after another until I was scrambling to just maintain normality. I've lost that will to exceed. I still want more than anything that golden perfection but it almost feels unachievable. Instead of working hard to pass with A's, I'm working hard to just pass. I can't focus. I can't sleep. I can barely bring myself to make it to class. I would much rather just skip class, and avoid facing my failure. I've lost my motivation. I've lost my drive. I've found myself just hoping for average for the first time in my life. And yet I still can't seem to get myself to care. I feel broken and lost, but mostly I'm feeling overwhelmed. A large part of me is justing wanting to take my one degree and never look back. To get the hell out of dodge. But there is still that quite pressure within myself wanting perfection, demanding perfection. Nothing is good enough till it is perfect. When I stop achieving perfection, I notice all the little flaws in myself. I want to fix everything. I want to fix myself. I know I need to have patience with myself and I know I need to give myself time to heal, but I don't know if I can. There is just so much going on at once that sometimes I forget to breathe. All I can do for now is hold up my head, hold back my tears, keep moving forward and hopefully find grace along the way.

“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise” ~Oscar Wilde

“Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working.” ~Unknown

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death” ~Robert Fulghum

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.*

I have previously written about my crazy family but I don't think I've ever stressed just how much I love them. My family fights, a lot. They make no sense. They are absolutely bat-shit crazy. But they are my family. The only one I have. I love my family and I use to make it a point to visit home as much as possible. I tend to complain about it but I do love being home and I usually spend the whole time there laughing. In fact family is an important factor for me when considering a relationship, if family is not important to you or you try and keep me from mine then it will never work. Lately, however, I have been pulling away. I use to call my dad everyday, if not at least a couple times a week. Now, they are lucky if I call once a week. Two things have contributed to this reaction, the first being my divorce. I know my parents disapproved but they also don't know all of my reasons. The tension is still there because they don't want me to make the same mistakes and so my personal life comes under intense scrutiny at times. This will eventually work out and I realize they are just worried about me. The more prominent reason why I've been shying away from going home is my grandma. Recently my grandma was diagnosed with cancer and passed away all in a matter of a few weeks. This news has been shocking and pretty much devastating to my family. Don't get me wrong, my grandmother was already very sick but she was always tough, always a fighter.

I have been trying to avoid talking about how this all has affected me, but I think about it everyday. There is a moment everyday that it hits me and my heart breaks. I try and hold back the tears regardless of whether I am alone or in public. In my head I have to be strong, I have to be there for everyone else. I randomly call my mom to check on her and listen as she talks about how amazing my grandma was as I try not to cry. I do it because she needs that, just someone to listen, just someone to say I am there, I understand, just someone to say this too shall pass. In reality it kills me and I'm not sure how to deal with it. After everything that has happened this year, I'm not sure how I'm suppose to put everything back together again. I know how to pick up the pieces and hold my head high, but filling the cracks, fixing the breaks, I'm not sure how to do that. I suppose time is the only thing that really works, time and love.

My grandma was an amazing woman. All of my life my grandparents have lived right behind my parent's house, because of this my mother (and my whole family) was closer to my grandparents than most. On any given day I could walk to my grandparents house, whether it was because I was locked out of my house or just to go say high. As a child my grandma would take care of me right after school. I would walk down to her house where she would allow me to watch cartoons, eat candy, drink soda and color in the color books she always kept in the living room. Their house was also the center of the holidays. Everyone would gather in the kitchen and dining room the sundays before Thanksgiving and Christmas. She always was thankful for the room full of family and the kitchen full of food. She gladly would sit on "her chair" in the kitchen and listen to everyone talk from the open dining room and living room. She always put family first and I am dreading a holiday season without her. I avoid going home to avoid her not being there. If I stay in the city I can forget she isn't at home sitting in her chair in the kitchen watching the food on the stove. I can avoid realizing that there will be no more cook-outs where I can sit on my parent's back porch and watch my grandma climb in her car and drive up her dirt drive-way over to my house with a car full of delicious home-cooked food. The woman who was there for everything (my first steps, my first words, my plays, my games, my first boyfriend, my prom, my graduation, my wedding) won't be there for the future. She'll miss my college graduation, my first real-world job, my future husband, my children, christmases, thanksgivings, birthdays, shopping trips, cook-outs, phone calls, cards, hugs, words, everything. The woman who was there for everything no matter how small, will miss be missed for everything, everyday.

It's moments like this that remind me I need to go home because we never know when the last hug, the last phone call, the last moment we share with someone will be the last. It's moments like this that remind me I owe my grandpa a fishing trip, my niece a kiss, my parents a cook-out, and my siblings a cup of coffee. It's moments like this that remind me to say what I mean, mean what I say, and use the words "I love you" everyday.

“To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go” ~Mary Oliver

“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” ~Maya Angelou

*The quote in the title is from Einstein

Thursday, 06 October 2011

Control

Many people deny the concept of fate, not necessarily because they believe it to be false but rather because people want to believe they have some kind of control over their lives. This concept of control is interesting because the perception of it is vital, even if the reality of it isn't. If we perceive that we have some control over what happens in our lives we are less likely to be stressed out or depressed. Looking in on that assessment I fully support that the perception of control is more important than whether or not I really have control. However, I still feel the need to have control over something in my life. Currently I feel as if I have lost control over everything, like I am floundering. I am trying to maintain the careful balancing act of two jobs, classes, friends, boyfriend, family and it is manageable but often leaves me feeling like I have little control over things, that I have more obligations than options. I have to go to work, I have to go to class, I have to do homework, I need to make time for the people in my life. I am struggling mentally, physically, and financially. My financial aid is screwed up and there is nothing I can do. This means my bills aren't being paid properly and there isn't much more I can do. I hate depending on others for so much help and I hate letting people down. I can't talk to my parents because they can't afford to help me so there is no need to add that extra burden to them, especially at this point in time. I know I'll struggle, but I'll figure something out. The other thing my financial situation messes up is my schooling. I have no books to do homework and study for tests. I feel like I am barely holding my head above water without it. As much as I try and search for a way to speed up the process I am repeatedly reminded that there is nothing I can do and that I am helpless in this situation. As much of a stressor as this is, I could handle that if that was my only worry. The worst stressor is my family. Not because they are a problem but because I worry about them. I am waiting for that text, that phone call that says it's time, that says this is it. I hope and pray when that call comes in I can drop everything that is going on and rush home. I will never forgive myself if I'm not there, not just for the selfish reason of getting to say good-bye but for my family because they are going to need all the support they can get. All this is weighing on my mind with no outlet for me. I quit smoking, I'm cutting back on drinking and I gave up many of my other coping mechanisms. This leaves me feeling like I have no control in my life which leaves me yearning to find something tangible, something I can grasp control of. Unfortunately the things I wind up trying to control are dumb and sometimes harmful. Logically I know this, as I watch myself do these dumb things, and fall back into some of my old ways I know what I'm doing is wrong. However, I can't help thinking poorly of myself if I try to stop, if I try to ignore the urges to control something, anything. I have a lot of willpower which can be an amazing thing. Willpower is what gave me the ability to stop smoking cold turkey, which allows me to drink only one night a week, which allows me to hold my head up high and be a better person regardless of the past. That same willpower is the reason why control can be a terrible thing for me to try and regain.

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Today, Tomorrow, Always

I love you. Today, Tomorrow and Always. Once I have said those three words my feelings will never change. The way I love or the degree to which may vary but you will always hold a special place in my heart. The saddest part of the whole journey to me is the breaking up. It's being able to say, I love you, I miss you, you mean something special to me, and I wish you all the luck in the world but I'm not going to break my own heart over you every day. It's like planting the seed of a rare flower and watching it blossom. The joy it brings just by existing is hard to describe but there will come a time when the first petal falls, followed by another, and another until all you are left is the essence that was once an amazing flower. It's life force still remains. It may blossom again but it may not, either way you are left with a memory, albeit a bittersweet one. From the time the first petal falls my heart cracks, and with every petal that follows the crack deepens until my heart lay in pieces. Like the flower, my heart can be restored but if left without water it once again withers. My heart was broken, it didn't mean I stopped caring. My heart was shattered, it didn't mean that I didn't still want you. You asked for the pieces to put it back together then you left them on a shelf to fix when you had more time. Unfortunately that's not how it works. You can't expect me to care, if you don't. You can't expect me to put you first if you don't. You can't expect me to stay, if you were never back. It breaks my heart to say goodbye, but that doesn't mean I want to stay. What it does mean is I love you, I want the best for you but sometimes that isn't enough.

Rationally, it is all very easy. Emotionally, not so much. It's not just the question of what do I want, but what makes me happy, what do I deserve, what do I want more, what can I not live without. It makes me happy to discuss my favorite uses of SAT words for 20 minutes. I deserve to feel like an equal. I want more than anything someone I call when my whole world falls apart. I can't live without my best friend. It breaks my heart to say goodbye and it may look like I'm struggling but that doesn't mean I care any less. One love doesn't detract from the other. Missing one doesn't mean I'm not right where I want to be. It just means once you're in my heart you are there forever. It means I mean it when I say I love you today, tomorrow, and always.